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| I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.
I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.
And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. It doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door.
And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. | | |
| her heart underneath
cries quietly
this part of me
I choose not to see
what lives must I take
for fealty's sake?
how much blood must stain
this warrior's blade?
war leaves its trail
in moonlight so pale
its shadows they flow
in rivers, in rivers
so put on my mask
I'll go where they ask
so I might once again see the
Roses of May
Staining my soul and stinging my eyes
the red on my hands
won't wash away, wash away
no where to run from what I have done
I'm no longer, no longer
a Rose of May
fate holds the blade before you
mirrored in maiden's eyes
far from myself I fly
into the perilous skies
and they said
follow the blade before you
fear fall and courage rise
leave all your tears behind you
far from where innocence lies
Cage of the kings
No need for wings
So turn them to stone
from roses to bone
when you look at me
what do you see?
this costume I weave
disfiguring me...
(chorus A)
Storm clouds are creeping closer
danger is drawing near
why am I not protecting all that
I once held dear?
and you said
break free from all that holds you
kings hand and maiden's tear
run now into my arms
together we'll conquer our fears
Led here by fate
No longer afraid
So here now I lay
My Roses of May
(Lyrics by Katethegreat19 to the theme of Beatrix in FFIX, Rose of May)
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| Update
The cats woke me up at exactly 8 this morning with their full out fight. Tifa has not come up from under the bed since. I actually have to coax her out and then hold her with me. She is so annoyed by these other cats. She actually eats looking out the door to see if they are coming. It isn't going well. Also, she seems to be bothered by her high quarters. I cannot pet her past half-way down her back without her giving her "I'm in pain" sounds of soft hissing and small stressed meows.
The other grand-kids who are here often have been nothing but a ruckus not allowing grandma to do anything but yell and get stressed. I want to help her, but my help includes kicking the kids out or washing their mouths out with soap for their talk-back behavior. Sometimes it makes me apologize to grandma, hoping I was never like that.
I have my stuff finally packed away in the corner. I am not unpacking anything by some bathroom stuff, bed stuff, and clothing until I can completely sanitize this whole place. I stared at the ceiling all night, the dark water stained, sunken in, dust covered, taped up ceiling of a completely cinder-block basement. Darn my lack of sleep and portable internet.
I feel bad for calling Mat up last night to talk to him about the cat and how the stress was already getting to me; maybe because it was so late (though I know he was playing combat arms at the time), or maybe it was because he seems a little uncomfortable. I know I know, we broke up of course he is going to be uncomfortable with me calling him, but it wasn't an angry break-up like most relationships out there so it isn't the same. He feels philos for me and I seem to be around Eros. [EDIT 7/28: Mat actually feels lust and Philos for me, meaning that he feels me to be a close friend with a sexual desire, meaning a friend with benefits, basically. I, on the other hand, have recently found that I feel Agape]*shrug* It's complicated and technical terms made up by philosophers doesn't really explain a personal opinion.
I was finally able to get some good sleep after having a breakdown in front of everyone. Grandma came over and hugged me to help make me feel better. Afterwprds, grandma went around the house and turned off all the televisions and told the kids to go outside and be quiet. Thanks grandma.
Getting stuff around so I can go to necto tonight! *cheers* Can't wait to dance a lot and socialize with some of my friends that I was unable to say goodbye to.
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| (( I posted this at about 2 this morning on Facebook and forgot to put it here. It is part of the "Moved!" post ))
Here is a 6 hour update.
Already I am sick of the clutter and pack-ratness of my family. There is so much useless stuff in every nook and cranny to the point where I don't want to touch anything in the fear of having everything topple over. I want all residents of this establishment to vacate the premises until I can completely empty out the crap.
The cats are not being friendly, though they seem to be pretty much staying out of sight of each other. I wish the people who come in and go out of this place could learn the same way and just get on with their lives; so much bickering and stress between everyone to the point where I am already craving the solitude of the tree farm in Lansing.
I try to climb in bed to close my eyes but can't get my head to the pillow without balling my eyes out. I don't want to feel this way, I don't even quite understand it. I believe I miss the little chats that went on through the day with Mat ... I miss Mat.
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| I moved back into my grandparents' place in NE Grand Rapids, MI today; the trip was a fun experience. It feels strange suddenly moving back to somewhere that I was gone from for a year, especially since I had been supporting myself and living off on my own. I know that I can be a lot of help here, but I am afraid of living here long. Something about the place is depressing and dark. Maybe that is because I am in the basement now. XD
There are three cats here now. I have a feeling my sister might be moving out of here soon with her little kitten Reeni (no idea how that is spelled; pronounced rE-ne), though I really would like to see her live here and go back to school. I am going to offer that I watch Vincent while she is away at school and maybe go to work when she gets home; well, if I find a job, that is. I have Tifa with me, my white medium haired cat who has been with me for two moves now. And there is Katherine here too, my grandpa's kitten. Full house I tell ya!
I should tell you that Mat, my boyfriend of almost two years, didn't come with me. In fact, we are not actually together anymore. I know, "oh, I'm sorry! Be well" and all that jazz. Really, don't worry about me. I am going to be strong and move on with my life. I have a so much ahead of me, I can't dwell on the past.
I think I am procrastinating again with this whole moving in thing while I am typing this. Maybe I should refocus so I will have a bed to sleep on tonight. ^.^ get a hold of me if you want to hang out some time.
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